hey hey hey…see who’s back to write and read? its me..of course…. ha ha.. got a lot to say…but dont know how and what to say..well…first thing’s first..I have actually started working…ha ha…..work..ha ha…bliss? my foot.. I just hate it hear….compromise is what I’ve been doing with myself…compromising and giving up what I really wanted to do…well…do I know what I really want? err..well…that’s definitely a no….I have got really confused…people say when you are in love you do thing’s that you don’t know why…am not in love mind it…rather am not even close to love……dont even have somebody to love yet..ha ha…

but the truth is that I have become confused…well..I’ve always been confused…but never this much….u know what I do all day? I sit in front of a pc..plug in my ipod…boot the pc up…play some music…check mails…check out the tasks assigned to me..start working on them….shit man….since when did I become so organized?  weekends? I really get scared of those..I really hate going to the same old shopping malls..same old multiplexes…same old hip and happening crowd…see…its 5mins to go for the clock to strike 3am…am still up..why? just coz its a weekend…and I dont have anyone to talk to..

what if I had somebody to talk to? what I talk bout? do I have anything to say? I really dont know..see how confused I am? I really dont know what I want…. everything in the world is going towards a certain goal…I have none…feels good sometimes..but sometimes its so damn confusing….its like am stuck in an endless loop where there is no exit criteria..ha ha….thinking like a programmer again …I write programs that solve problems of other’s…I find out what people want…but look at me…am so confused myself..I dont even know myself…what the f…

It’s been really long since I wrote something… one of the most stressful phases of my life is now over…don’t know how I survived those few months…. No, it was not the work / study pressure that was painful…rather I was enjoying every moment of it…but the fact that I had none or just 1-2 friends was just hitting my face like a hammer…. Never in my life I had felt so lonely… when I left Kolkata, I knew it was coming…may be that’s why felt that pounding weight in my chest…  

Well its now a thing of the past… was transferred to a different location for further training…had to leave the few people who were my friends back in the base …

Why is it always me who has to leave everyone behind? When ever my life took a turn I had to leave everybody behind…. Everyone else at least have somebody to talk to…When ever I took a detour I found myself talking to myself…again and again… the same thing …same feelings… same darkness all around me …

Well…training is over again… and the funny thing is that I don’t even know what I learnt from that TRAINING   …. Good for me I 

Again when the time came to move on, everybody got what / where ever they wanted… I again got stuck alone L

Have heard a sentence long back in some movie or some where on the internet… if you really , really want something to be yours, to get that something that you value more than anything that you know of , then the world conspires to unite you with that thing…

I think for others its true.. But for me the opposite is very much true J

Well. what the heck !! Move on , that seems the buzz on the TV these days… yeah..I’ll move on… I know I will… it’s a compulsion.. move on !!

So , how’s my life been for these few days? Well…  not quite bad actually..  I have moved out of the hostels… have started living with a couple of colleagues……

Wanted to go out last week… could not find a single soul who was willing to go … everyone is just too busy for me   … you know what the funny thing is ? I don’t know what to look for when am on the internet… some friends are leaving Kolkata coz of their jobs.. they are a bit busy to come online.. cant really blame them…its me who’s out of city ..and out of something to do..   guess that’s one disadvantage of having a BIG ego… you just get stuck in big black hole… where you can pull in anything..but you just don’t want anything to come in…you just want the right kind of thing to come your way.. even if that means waiting for days … on and on.. On and on… people move… you just keep on waiting….. Like an old tree.. Just like a shadow of your old self… loosing myself in the crowd…. faces , I cant recognise them properly anymore… when will it end?