Found these hilarious and invaluable management lessons online…So thought of doing another copy paste job ….

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’

The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story
Bull $hit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

THE MEN’S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure. go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re . so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is $ex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you’re dead.)
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

Men’s guide to understanding what women want (courtesy nabila’s blog):

1.
When you ask her for her number, she badly wants u to have it. But she’s gonna refuse…That’s coz she doesn’t want to sound too available.
2.
She has this inborn talent of being sarcastic. You can either choose to ignore it or to live with it.
3.
She loves to bargain. She might not even intend at buying it, but she’s gonna bargain anyway. Chill guys…am sure u have bigger problems in life.
4.
If you are out on a date with her, its alright to look at other females…C’mon we all know guys are guys. Just don let her know your staring at the wrong places.
5.
When she says everything is alright, what she really means is that there’s a terrible problem. She just wants you to keep asking.
6.
And guys how can you’ll expect her to answer in a “Yes” or “No”. I mean there’s so much more to b explained. Please don’t have such Great Expectations. ( I SAY : WTF )
7.
Girls have great memory. So in a fight if she reminds u about something that happened 2 yrs back, it still counts for a fight. N an added piece of info is that gifts after a fight always work…Its technically called bribing…But dont worry, she’ll settle for that ( I SAY: I hate bribes )
8.
If you are one of those cheesy pick-up-lines kinda guy, then for heavens sake stay away. “Do u believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again”. Yucckkkk….
9.
Even if you hate the parrot green dress she’s wearing…say you love it.
10.
She loves to be pampered. So like it is said traditionally, do it with chocolates or flowers or sweet messages ( I SAY: grrr…..why cant girls read paper and understand the effect of inflation?? ). The little things have the maximum effect.
11.
If you are expecting her to be dressed like some Victoria’s Secret girl then that’s way too much of expectation. (I SAY: umm…whats wrong with wearing that? )
12.
She needs 100% attention. So if ur busy or whatever, you better receive that call (I SAY: WTF???? ). On the contrary if her phone is on voice mail, u gotta understand she’s busy. Huh…Give the girl a break.
13.
She hates messy rooms. Am sure u can give your room a little cleaning treat. Let it look like a place where humans can reside instead of the usual jungle look.
14.
Her handbag is always full of so many things that wen the mobile goes tring tring….it takes her a minimum of 100 seconds to get it out. Its not her mistake. It’s the handbag manufacturers who have so many zips here n there. So dont freak out.
15.
If you smoke or drink don boast about it trying to impress her. Get a reality check.
16.
And finally even if she is telling you about her Dads brothers’ wife’s uncles sons nephew…listen to her like that’s the most interesting story you’ve ever heard. (I SAY: YAWNZZ… )

THE WOMEN’S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have $ex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have $ex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have $ex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have $ex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I’d like to have $ex with you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess $ex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have $ex?
I love you = Let’s have $ex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it.we’d better have $ex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have $ex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have $ex with other guys
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin dress and let’s go home!

Advantages of men being single:

* Save Time

* Can Sleep well

* Don’t have to bother about missed calls

* Don’t have to worry about how u look

* Can eat in any restaurant ! ( also can watch movie in any theatre )

* No boring sms in the middle of the night

* Can talk with all girls

* You won’t hear “aaw.. You are dull today”

* Can go anywhere with any one !

* Don’t have to listen to same old crap jokes..

BONUS: ” You will live a longer life ”